This is a story.
\nAnd it\u2019s not about drunken, tear stained notes
\npinned to shirt
\nreflected in the steamed over bathroom mirror
\nstanding, impulsive razor blade to shaking wrist
\nhot water filling sink
\n\u201cDon\u2019t Fear The Reaper\u201d wafting in from the other room.<\/p>\n
This is about trudging through another day of
\nChest tightening when the phone rings
\n\u2013texts, emails\u2013
\nmore bad news?
\nSo you make little deals with yourself to keep going
\nto eat some breakfast, get in the shower, get dressed, and out the door.
\nInto the powerlessness of a never-ending monotone gray December sky
\njust hold it together
\na little while longer
\nyou\u2019re almost home
\nand then you can
\ndo all the things you used to enjoy
\nnow empty rituals
\nred buttons attached to nothing.<\/p>\n
This is about lying in bed
\npraying to a god you don\u2019t really believe in
\nto just let you die
\npainlessly, blamelessly, in your sleep.<\/p>\n
This is about waking up alone in the dark.
\nThis is about digging out that old prescription bottle
\nstaring
\npouring two pills into the palm of your hand
\nstaring
\nputting them back
\nand pouring them out again.
\nRepeat until the pills are soaking on your tongue.
\nToo late now.
\nRepeat every 4 to 6 hours as needed.<\/p>\n
This is about searching
\nstruggling for terms
\nbut no matter what you put in
\nthe same words pop up again and again
\ntelling you to hide the knives and call a friend.<\/p>\n
This is about\u2026who writes that shit?!!
\nUbiquitous, platitude dripping crisis center call sheets
\nwaterlogged, sinking life preserver pamphlets.
\nFuck this.
\nThis is about making a plan.
\nThis is about it\u2019s not so easy
\ntwo-car garage tofu hugging wanna be yogis
\nforming committees
\nuntil there\u2019s no good bridge left in this town
\nnot covered in mother fucking safety fence.<\/p>\n
This is about being everyone\u2019s favorite charity case
\nIt\u2019s getting old fast
\n(and so am I)
\n*shrug* it could be worse
\n(but it isn\u2019t getting better).<\/p>\n
This is about watching friends rise up and down
\nalong their paths through adulthood
\ngaining skills and experiences and building lives that\u2026
\nA long time ago I saw a film about a severely developmentally disabled adult
\nplayed by Robin Williams
\nwho is best friends with a neuro typical boy.
\nAs the boy comes of age
\ngaining the rights and responsibilities of adulthood
\n\u2013a car, a job, dating, falling in love\u2013
\nRobin Williams\u2019 character gets increasingly erratic, bitter, and rageful.
\nAfter all, even though he isn\u2019t able to participate in the rights and responsibilities of adulthood
\nor know their joys and heartaches
\nhe is painfully aware that they exist and that they could have been his too
\nshould have been his too
\nif not for a condition he is powerless to change.
\nWatching his friend grow into adulthood
\nstanding so close by
\nand being unable to follow
\nis too much for him.
\nHe strikes out
\noften self-destructively
\nbut many times in ways that hurt the boy
\nwho is upset and confused
\nafter all, the boy has gone so far out of his way to be patient and kind and helpful to his friend
\nand make time in his busy life to spend with him
\neven though their realities have become so different that they can no longer truly relate or empathize with each other anymore.
\nIt was a pretty crappy movie
\nbut for some reason it stuck with me all these years.
\nI never dreamed it would be my story.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This is a story. And it\u2019s not about drunken, tear stained notes pinned to shirt reflected in the steamed over bathroom mirror standing, impulsive razor blade to shaking wrist hot water filling sink \u201cDon\u2019t Fear The Reaper\u201d wafting in from the other room. This is about trudging through another day of Chest tightening when the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-101","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/101","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=101"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/101\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":146,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/101\/revisions\/146"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=101"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=101"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=101"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}