I\u2019m old
\nI don\u2019t really go in for that kind of fun anymore
\nMuch
\nThe appeal of decadence and the call of glorious self-destruction have ebbed over the years
\nToo many life lessons, too many \u201cthere but by the grace of god\u201d
\nTo turn down that wreck littered alley
\nNow my only addictions are strictly functional
\nLogical
\nLesser little evils
\nTiny bells<\/p>\n
Sometimes I think if I could change this one last thing about my life then I could break out of this trap
\nThis role I never intended to play
\nAs a drain on society
\nEveryone\u2019s favorite inspiration
\nFamous for trying
\nKnown for not giving up
\nBut<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not quite ready to quit
\nI\u2019m not quite ready
\nI\u2019m not\u2026quite
\nI\u2019m not
\nI\u2019m hanging on by a thread
\nEveryday
\nSome days just a little bit
\nBut everyday
\nMy body mutinies
\nIt rises from the deep
\nBehind my eyes
\nUp my nose
\nDripping down my throat
\nMy gut
\nInfects the brain
\nWhere the synapses don\u2019t fire right
\nMy head gets all dark and occluded
\nI can\u2019t think in a straight line
\nI can\u2019t hold all the little pieces together
\nI can\u2019t<\/p>\n
It is this intolerability that consumes me
\nWhen I hold out until I decide
\nUnder duress
\nThat I can hold out no longer
\nAnd hate myself for that decision
\nIf I were a better poet
\nYou will not understand<\/p>\n
A red button
\nA modicum of control
\nAn escape hatch<\/p>\n
I take a puff or two
\nOr four
\nAnd
\nBetter something than nothing
\nBetter slowly than not at all
\nBetter to forget then praying for death
\nToday will be a compromise
\nAgain<\/p>\n
I\u2019m more or less good to go for an hour or so
\nThen it\u2019s a slow decline
\nThe sound of tiny bells
\nGetting louder<\/p>\n
* * * * * *<\/p>\n
Some days I wake up feeling the way I used to
\nThinking clearly
\nThis is the way it\u2019s supposed to be
\nSitting at my desk
\nCatching up again
\nOn my well days
\nMy sober days
\nMy normal human being days
\nThe tiny bells subside
\nIt\u2019s possible to shut them out
\nWith the psalm, \u201cI\u2019m getting better and better, amen\u201d
\nStep by laborious step
\nMaybe we can start again
\nMaybe we can build\u2026
\nUntil
\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0192
\nI\u2019m sitting across from a friend with nothing to say
\nEmpty space for a mouth
\nDry
\nWithout inspiration
\nWithout the gift of conversation
\nAnd no amount of water, juice or iced cold iced tea is going to fill that up<\/p>\n
Just be, Pema says, \u201cjust be\u201d
\nBut the seconds stack up to form insurmountable hours
\nWaiting
\nWaiting for it like holding my breath<\/p>\n
Passed along I hold you in my hand
\nAnd when I pass you back then I am becoming whole again<\/p>\n
* * * * * *<\/p>\n
Is it a cop-out to say I\u2019m damaged beyond repair?
\nThat without you, my love, there\u2019s no one here
\nSo many years
\nWe met when I was only fourteen
\nHalf formed
\nAlready betrayed by endogenous chemicals
\nThe tyranny of the possible
\nMouth held in check by fear too long
\nLearned hard that lesson
\nWondered in mourning through nothing
\nUntil the fog parted
\nTo reveal a grassy field
\nAt the center of which stood a door<\/p>\n
There were many years where I kept it together
\nWent to the finest school
\nHeld many jobs
\nI even had a lover
\nFor many years<\/p>\n
There were many years where I sailed onward
\nAgainst hardships
\nPast rarely charted waters
\nOver the edge of the world
\nTo become<\/p>\n
* * * * * *<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been told by my psychiatrist that full-time paid employment is not a realistic goal for everyone
\n(For me
\nFor him it\u2019s an identity)
\nA friend, and a therapist, have politely suggested that I may be codependent
\n\u2013I don\u2019t know what I would do without \u2018em ;D\u2013
\nSo I try not to form too close a bond
\nThey\u2019re all special
\nBut no one\u2019s essential
\nIt hurts less that way,
\nTrue love is not a realistic goal for everyone<\/p>\n
I want to go back
\nRecapture that lost child of possibilities
\nThat primordial wilderness
\nHold you in my heart
\nBut I could not hold you tight enough to become you
\nThere\u2019s no going back
\nThis body is middle aged and tired
\nNeural paths deeply laid
\nPipelines of pleasure and pain
\nI watch the wrinkles radiate out from my eyes like cracks in the salt flats<\/p>\n
I need to stop using so much marijuana
\nI need to stop using so much
\nI need to stop using
\nI need to stop
\nI need\u2026
\nSomeone to call my own
\nSomeone who wants to be with me more than anyone else in the whole world
\nSomething to make me whole
\nA career that is recognized
\nAppreciated
\n\u2013I mean paid\u2013
\nSomething to make me valuable
\nBecause I feel worthless
\nUseless down to my bones
\nI keep limping in circles
\nOpening the same door
\nTrying to find my way home<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019m old I don\u2019t really go in for that kind of fun anymore Much The appeal of decadence and the call of glorious self-destruction have ebbed over the years Too many life lessons, too many \u201cthere but by the grace of god\u201d To turn down that wreck littered alley Now my only addictions are strictly […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-166","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=166"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":193,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166\/revisions\/193"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=166"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=166"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/freaksoftechnology.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=166"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}